Not a good day today.
Feeling physically and mentally exhausted, in pain and just... exhausted again. Everything is irritating me, every song, tv program, situation, person... even the sun! I'm just too tired to deal with anything or anybody! (and no it's not pms!!)
Took Andrew bowling with Mum (and apparently even bowling is too much 'exercise' for my stupid body to cope with! now my intestines are hurting and bleeding and my scoliosis is making my ribs squish my innards too) Together with the combination of Andrew's incessant wittering about random nothings, {his clocks, the weather, or how that 'idiot' doesn't know how to drive - note any person: on a motorbike, push bike, with a loudish exhaust, who over takes us (even on dual carriageways), who brakes moderately sharply (even when they need to) who stops for whatever reason (traffic lights, roundabout, junction, turning off, pedestrian crossing) - all count as idiots.} not getting much sleep, and not having eaten much recently all have made me very very tired. Have eaten now, but have no more energy and it's just made my intestines hurt more.
Been thinking a lot about Grandpa the past few days, and yesterday found my journal from around the time he died, and my life started unravelling at the seams. Guess it surfaced a lot of forgotten about stuff about the start of my illness that's very painful to go back over. Little nieve (sorry can't find accents) comments like '..... when I'm at uni, if I ever get there! :P.' Was thinking that sarcastically, as if it were a dead cert that I'd go to uni, even if delayed by a year. A year! pah! a bit later on as depression got a lot worse, I couldn't imagine myself doing anything in the 'real world'. Let alone anything like I had previously imagined. One thing is for sure though, I definitely did not ever, in a million years, imagine I would end up here. 21, Living alone in Chalford, having no formal qualification past GCSE's, no job and not enrolled on any current educational course. (This is why I find small talk difficult - this is generally how it goes:
Person: Hi, How are you?
Me: I'm ok thanks, you? (not OK by a long way, but anything else is too difficult to explain!)
Person: So what are you up to now?
Me: Oh not much (now looking for an escape route)
Person: Are you working, or at college/uni? (As if those are the only possible options!!)
Me: No, not at the moment, I've been off ill. ('off' what I'm not too sure! Life I think!)
Person: Oh I'm sorry to hear that.....
------awkward silence------
Person: Well it was nice catching up with/meeting you, hope you feel better soon!
Me: yeh, you too, bye! (runs out of situation before being interrogated again - I know people don't mean to 'interrogate' you, but that's what it feels like!!)
Some of the places I have been both physically and mentally, no-one can begin to understand without having been in a similar situation themselves first. I have now learned to avoid many situations which often lead to 'interrogation' or if I must enter one of these situations, always with Mum, who can talk about her life instead of my... non-life. Also Andrew is a remarkably good distraction too, cos he doesn't stop talking, ensuring he always in is control of the conversation and everyone's attention!
It's much easier if people talk about other stuff like the news, the weather, themselves, anything BUT me!!
And that is the end of my waffly-rant for tonight! x
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