Sunday

So today has been ... another day. Don't really know why I'm updating.. just basically without going into too much detail cos it's late, pain really bad today, but church was good. Even if i sat through most of it with my eyes closed! (v sleepy from pain killers) A lot of questions but a fairly simple answer from God: at the moment, he wants me to rediscover my identity in him, as a daughter, and really concrete that. 
Very difficult relating to God 'the Father' I mean I love my Dad, and I'm very grateful to Paul for all he's given me; but I still don't reallllly know what a Dad is.. or supposed to be. My idea of 'father' is somewhat sketchy. Closest person I've really considered to be a consistent father figure is.. was... Grandpa. I'd even planned that I wanted him to give me away on my wedding day... it never even occurred to me that he might not live to see that day. I named my flute after him as well, (given to me by mum and Paul when I was 12) He always was a very very important person to me, far more than I ever realised. 
I don't think it's any co-incidence that my life fell to pieces after he died. People say it gets easier with time... it doesn't. Or at least hasn't yet for me. (In tears just writing this)
I wish he was still here and I could at least tell him how much he meant to me, what an inspiration he has been to me, what an amazing, kind hearted, loving, giving, caring man he was. I wish I could tell him, even if he couldn't do it.. that I wanted him to give me away when (if ever :/) I get married. 
I will never understand why he was taken then, leaving my nan to struggle on without him. He was everything to her. She still keeps a big framed picture of him on a chair, and has done since he died, she just doesn't seem to want to live without him. She keeps saying things like 'hopefully the Lord will have mercy and take me up to be with Dad (meaning Grandpa) by then' I love her dearly, but with the pain of the arthritis and the horrible confusing mess of Alzheimer's ... she's suffering a lot now. She wants to be at rest and with Grandpa again. 
Walking into that church even just makes me teary, I cannot hear the hymn 'love divine all loves excelling...' Not even the music, the words, just makes me cry and cry .... 
Well that was probably more detail than I intended or was necessary, but I must try and calm my brain now to get ready for sleep. Got 3 hrs of rubbish quality sleep last night. hoping for more today! 

Night all x