Anyway, the feeling a bit better went to hell, purely being driven to Glos and back for IBD clinic was more than exhausting... the exhaustion is stupid... the same level I feel as if I've literally not eaten a single thing in a week and walked 5 miles or so.
But I'd walked 150 metres... and I've been eating ok... (brain not happy about it but I'm managing it).
I need to go out to get materials for art project/s, I need to actually see things, I can't do that kind of shopping online! :/ Can try I guess. The p+p is just so expensive!
Guess my world has kind of been turned upside down in the last couple of days... you think people understand you, like you... then you find out they don't have a clue, they just think you're a horrible person and put up with it. I don't know how to communicate... it's like my brain is set to a different logic... or something... small things I say seem to offend people and I have no idea why, and people constantly tear my heart apart by telling me I'm wrong, useless, stupid, horrid, hostile, hostile?! me? hostile?! really?!! Or selfish, attention seeking, 'unwilling to accept responsibility', manipulating... give me a flipping manual on how to manipulate someone, I still don't think I'd be able to pull it off! (By NO means saying I'm perfect - I'm anything but that)
It's all through mis-understanding... I'm beginning to understand myself... but it's so complicated, I need to come with a bloody manual in order to know how to 'speak my language' cos I lack the skills to read other people's 'language' and they lack the insight to 'speak MY language'. -sigh-
It's come to the point of: So I have Asperger's, it makes so much sense, it's a relief blah blah blah... ... what now? I can recognise what some of my pitfalls may be and why... but what can I DO about it? No-one in the entire universe seems to operate on my wavelength... I feel such a mis-fit, SO out of place...
'If home's where the heart is, then I'm out of place'
I'm really trying not to get too down about everything, to remain positive that God has a GOOD plan for my life... but finding that next to impossible... I'd like to curl up and sleep and hibernate in my flat, but
1) I can't sleep, and 2) Everything will still be just as difficult when I come out of hibernation.
I just feel SO alone. It's such a deep dark void. I need people who understand me, relate to me, but apparently there are none at all. Not even other Aspie's.
Constantly trying not to let these thoughts rise to the surface too often. I've got to learn to become more resilient and less sensitive to things... Going to be concentrating on my 'divine' jewellery range soon. Will be designing mainly pendants with Bible verses/paraphrased verses inscribed on the reverse.
Anyways, my eyes hurt. Sorry For the moaning, it's good to vent even if no-one reads it!
I like you in fact I love you and NOT because "I have to" I try had to understand you but it can be as hard for me to understand you as it is for you to understand me at times! It can be incredibly frustrating and tiring trying to understand somebody else's viewpoint on the world all the time and that frustration will boil over occasionally and I'm sorry for when it does. xx Also I don't think people intend to 'tear your heart apart' as you put it, they just don't understand how very very sensitive you are so aren't aware they are even doing it. I am aware (not that I remember 100% of the time) to the point that I'm not sure i should post this even but I will because it is said with love to try and help. xxx
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