I feel I should say something significant today. I didn’t
know whether to talk about growing up with my brother with ‘classic’ (ish!)
autism, about my recent realisation that I too, am autistic; or about living
life through an ‘Aspie’s’ eyes.
Truth is I’d like to talk about all of these things, but I
think the blog would be unendingly long! I would love to say something
inspiring and insightful, but my brain has had a tough day. (I went to get my
haircut; a whole host of sensory overload that send my brain into a tizz and
makes me feel, frankly; nauseous. But that is another post.) Also, I don't really have anything inspiring to say! I just have me and my life.
For someone who may seem to appear (or not, I can’t tell!)
so ‘normal’ on the outside, it may seem very odd to hear that I have Aspergers.
It’s not that I have ‘mild’ Aspergers, I simply don’t have commonly associated
learning difficulties and have grown up with an autistic brother with those difficulties; I had a very
clear example of ‘not normal’, which meant ‘not acceptable’. And so my Apergers
became very hidden. All those typically autistic things like flapping hands or
rocking? I learnt before I could do
those things that they weren’t acceptable. I would just clam up, or cry.
Primary school was very hard; completely bewildering. I
managed to make a couple of friends though toward the end of it, and this
continued into Secondary school. I had a stable small social group, who I felt
relatively ok with. I was always better at 1-1 communication though. (Groups… I
just don’t know how to navigate, so I stay quiet most of the time.) I did very
well academically; there was no reason for people in responsibility to think
there was something ‘wrong’ with me.
In 6th form, when life in general was getting
more complicated, and my little group kind of split and went different ways…
hung out with different people… I was petrified of these different people!!! …
change… hate it especially when I
can’t control it!!
All that, plus the death of my grandfather, plus
consequently dropping out of school… was the end of life as I knew it.
Over the past 5 ½ years it has become massively apparent (to
the health profession anyways) that I am not ‘normal’. But what it was… I still
don’t think everyone agrees. I was given the incredibly unhelpful
label of borderline personality disorder. Not only unhelpful because there’s a
TON of stigma attached to that diagnosis; but unhelpful because the talking treatments
they tried never got near to the root cause of my problems, simply because they
were looking in wrong places and the basic lack of communication skills needed
in talking therapies that I wasn’t even aware
I didn’t possess. (One place actually directly told me I had the social skills, I just wasn’t using them!)
I heard it put like this – working with a person with
Autism/Aspergers is like working with a different raw material.
I go one further, because I like analogies.. It’s like using
tools to hammer gold into shape, when in fact you’ve got stainless steel. Or
try this – It’s like looking for a programming fault in a .exe when you’ve
actually got a .dmg … pick which ever picture you like; our minds just work
differently!
In some circumstances it can be incredibly disabling, but (I
am told) that with the right support in the right circumstances we can do well.
On a faith note for today; I know, wherever you go, be it mentally or physically; God NEVER lets
go. I know that with probably more depth than most people seem to. Trust me; if
you ask him in, he’s already at your hearts’ door waiting to embrace you. I
wish I could say I can show the fruit of leaning on God for strength and peace
and everything; but I’m still learning to lean on him, so far I’ve only leaned
enough to (just about) stay alive. I’m trusting the more I know God, walk with
him, the more I will be able to ‘live life to the full’ not just simply exist.
So back in a full circle, happy World Autism Awareness Day everyone!
Please don’t judge someone; whatever their label, be it Aspie, ASD, BPD, Depression, Anxiety; or blank. When you encounter someone you can’t figure out, or does things you don’t understand, please don’t judge them; but consider the possibility they might not think like you do. Also I should add, it’s ok to not think like you do! :)
Night All
X
Blog dedicated to my brother, one of the most gorgeous, loving people I have known and will ever know. J
No comments:
Post a Comment