What to say / What NOT to say...

A very difficult question... especially for someone with Aspergers. 
I've heard so many conflicting statements... 


'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all' 
'I'm fed up of 'people' moaning about their problems instead of working on fixing them'
'Be yourself'
'It's OK to express how you're feeling'
'Be transparent - don't separate yourself into boxes and reveal different boxes to different people'


There doesn't seem to be any logical rule everyone agrees on! What do you reveal in what situation? To what degree? To whom? I'm pretty useless at lying. Hence my lack of communication to most people... people only seem to want to hear about lovely, positive, soul-lifting things... well my life isn't full of much of that kinda stuff; at least not right now... I still hold out hope that some sort of good will come from my life eventually. 
But right now... no, I'm not 'ok' I still don't have a socially acceptable (and somewhat truthful) answer to: 'Hi, how are you?' Or even: 'So what do you do?' 
As for me... I don't wish to compartmentalise.. quite frankly it's too confusing and messy. But equally I don't want to be prejudged and come face to face with any more prejudice and rejection as I already have done!


It's so complicated! I'd love to say - this is me; if you don't like it, leave me be. But I know no-one would be left! I know if everyone truly knew what was under the surface... ...anyways. Getting off-track. Something I'm very good at!


The more you reveal about yourself, strengths and weaknesses; the more vulnerable you become to people using you. The great ... what's the word? Paradox? don't think that's it... grr. Useless with words!!


What I am going to say:
Learning I have Aspergers was a massive revelation... but with an official diagnosis at least 18 months away - IF they decide it's worth funding - and no support available.... what do I do with it? 
I have slightly more insight into what makes me anxious, but I have no tools to change it, and I'm still left with all the same problems as I had before... and as I'm trying to reduce my anxiety and 'be myself' more... I seem to be alienating the few people who are left in my life. It seems vastly unacceptable to society today for a young woman to be 'socially inadequate' (as I have been described) Which only makes it harder for a lonely, emotionally vulnerable 21 yr old girl with nothing 'nice' to say (with general chit-chat anyways) to socialise... (which by the way doesn't mean I don't want to have fun... I just find very different things fun! For instance some days I find a good dose of algebra far more relaxing than making Jewellery... and both FAR more fun than a cinema trip!! Equally, I love watching the Big Bang Theory and talking about cats...
 I feel like.. (I might've said this before...) Men are from Mars... Women are from Venus and Aspies ... we're just from a different galaxy altogether... each on our own little planets but drawn together through difference.
Anyways my thoughts seem to be sucking me even further into a dark vacuum so I am going to shut up now and try and remember it's Easter; there is hope, I am loved and accepted; even if only by God! :)




Think I've fully exhausted the title topic! (and probably added too much too) So going to stop typing now! 

Night all 

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