Rambling Rant

So maybe I won't feel differently in a few days. I can't remember when I posted 'feeling rubbish' post but anyway - slightly more articulately this is some reasons why: Since Sept 2006 things have spiralled out of control. Things were starting to fray in 6th form but I was still functioning well until Grandpa died. Then things went... 'pear shaped' as they say. Each and every day since then has been a battle. Sometimes just to stay 'safe' sometimes to eat, sometimes to stay alive. Each moment is filled with unbearable agony and terrifying fear. I've had enough. I just want it to end now. Please. 
My social worker came round Friday night when things came to a point - Mum noticed a large amount of potent medication missing from my meds cupboard (which she shouldn't've been nosing in anyways!) I tried to fob it off, but she knew I had it. She didn't know I had enough of another medication to kill me in its own right, and that both taken together would be almost certainly quickly lethal. I was happy with this way, it should've been not too painful cos I would be asleep for it, and it should definately've worked. I could finally be free. From these chains, from this torture, from this life. I had planned my funeral, left small notes to people who I wanted to say something to etc etc. It was going to be it.
But after a long afternoon crying with Mum (plus a rather irrelevant ramble from my social worker, calling me arrogant and lazy - for not trying hard enough to live... if she had any idea how much courage it takes me just to get out of bed every morning, let alone wash, dry my hair, find something to wear.... I'm exhausted before I've 'done' anything at all. I really wanted to scream at her at that point... guess I kinda did) Anyway... I couldn't do it to Mum... not with her knowing. I wish I'd replaced the bottle with water or something and kept the actual medication... grrr... think Emma, THINK. 
But anyways. It's gone. Dragged myself to church this eve and sat during the worship thinking about different ways I could kill myself without mum knowing what I was doing. Then in the sermon - it was all about waiting. Waiting for miracles. 
The pastor said - "I have a word from God for you - don't give up" - To which I thought crap... I really have to keep going? Really? Ugh. 
My next question is why? and how? I know the Bible says that God has a plan for a good future for me, filled with success, not suffering... so I guess that's the why... but the how? is still very unanswered.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't even know where I am. I guess that's where a huuuuuge amount of persistent, constant faith comes in.
They talked about having 'carers' come in to 'teach independent living skills' I know how to cook/use a washing machine etc etc - I'm not unskilled, I just don't have the motivation to do any of it. I don't want artificial 'care' They only turn up cos if they don't, they don't get paid. Simple as. 
I just need friends - real ones, not virtual ones. (No offence you US guy are lovely, but I need 'real' people who are here. Who I can spend time with, hang out with. I just want real people who actually care about me. rather than some artificial 'carer'. People who want to spend time with me, who are more straight forward than, come over whenever you want - cos most of the time I don't believe them, and I'm too petrified to ask! I just need people to be more outgoing with me I guess, and say; I/we would like to have you over today/this weekend, see you at x o clock? 
Anyways, I did warn in the title that this was a rambling rant - which it is, but my sleeping meds are making me dopey now, so I better go before I start talking absolute crap. 
Night all x