Highly personal brain matters.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, 

neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, 

for the former things have passed away.

 - Revelation 21:4 

Been a very bad few days / year (or 5). After a bad patch I always am very determined to change, I get a (very long term) idea of what I want to do, and set about getting there. And after a few months, I always fall flat on my bloody face. I simply don't possess the skills to get me through adult life. The set up of child/early-mid teen life allowed me to function 'normally'; actually, pretty darn well. When things started to change, life got more complicated, I just imploded. So now I'm still at a place where I don't know how to function without being in ever-increasing levels of physical pain and or danger. The wheel keeps on spinning round and round of escalating danger, normally ending with a seriously life-threatening event, where I decide I need to 'stop this and get on with life' - which.... never works out. I've never much, if any insight into my problems, and maybe it will be a few more years yet (but I dearly hope not) before I understand things enough... 

I NEED to change, or this will kill me. Which most of the time I don't want it to. Kent didn't work cos by the time I was referred and then admitted, I wasn't in such a low point and I didn't see the need to engage in painful, intense-as-hell psychotherapy, since I wasn't doing all toooo badly. Think I know now that I need to do that work. The next question is - how? where? There are a few therapeutic communities across the country, there might be the possibility of working as an outpatient, but there aren't any specialists anywhere near here... so I'm not sure that's really an option... and in my internet searches, I've discovered mercy ministries... it sounds basically like a Christian-based therapeutic community... but I need to know more about it. Plus it's in Yorkshire. >.< 

The verse at the top - reminds me it WILL be ok. One day. Combine it with this verse:

 "I know what I am planning for you,” says the Lord.

 “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. 

I will give you hope and a good future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

Things will all be made right one day - but for now, God has GOOD plans for me here - I know there is stuff he has for me to do. If there wasn't - I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still be here. 

At the moment my thoughts are generally still very screwed up, but I'm trying to fight it with this knowledge - the sword of spirit which is the word... 

Hopefully an option will come up that will help me, that I will have the strength to use fully. Until then... to quote Dory the fish - 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming'. 

xxx