So.. it's been a long time since I've written...
This will be very open, as I feel this sort of stuff needs to be less scary to talk about - and - it's all that's on my mind at the moment. So here goes, forgive me for perhaps being a little blunt.
My arms and legs are severely scarred. I have always wanted to work as a medic, which means wearing short sleeves. Which causes... MAJOR problems.
I have been free of self-harm for over a year now. I am moving on in life and want nothing more in the world than for the scars to be gone. I know whatever surgery takes place my arms will never be 'normal', but it's very hard to move on in life when your intimate history is written in bold capital letters all across your body.
I believe I meet the criteria for NHS treatment as the 'original issue' has resolved and the scars cause 'severe psychosocial dysfunction' / psychological distress.
They cause more than that... imagine being in a boiling hot room and having to wear long sleeves and trousers or thick tights... imagine never being able to go to the beach or sunbathe ever again... never being able to wear a t-shirt ever again, and only dresses that can be worn with a jacket and dark tights (skin colour ones even at the thickest denier just don't work).
It's not just in my personal life they become difficult... a LOT of work uniforms for low-paid jobs insist on short sleeves - and even with long sleeves if I stretch to get something a couple of scars will peek out of my sleeve - it's not something employers will 'see past'. It severely affects my chances of employment and career opportunities.
That's not even mentioning the effect they have on my self-confidence... (like what self-confidence!!)
Anyway, my GP referred me to a plastic surgeon, and I had an appointment all booked for early-mid august... today I got a letter in the post saying my appointment has been cancelled due to 'non-funded procedure'. There aren't really crystal-clear guidelines on this sort of thing cos it's so seldom requested/done. He will put in for an INNF/IFR (interventions not normally funded/individual funding request) but said he really doesn't know if they will agree to it and feels it's likely they won't.
So... now what?
Otherwise had a pretty boring day, haven't managed to eat 'enough' (although it still feels like too much) today, otherwise I've been doing well.
Oh the bus driver today was a *()&%^$*&^** ... I asked if the bus went past my stop because it seemed like an extra service (unusual time) and he looked confused and then said yes. then he stopped about 3/4 mile away from home and says 'I lied, it doesn't stop there'. Having just opened the letter when I was out and having a very heavy bag of shopping (nothing exciting - cleaning supplies) this was the last thing I needed. Had been holding back the tears for about an hour by then and that was the last straw... walked back home sniffling and feeling rather embarrassed! :/
There's no way I could ever afford to get surgery privately either.
So a waiting game. I was so hoping that this would just go smoothly and I would have a semi fresh start... so I could pursue the career I've always wanted and could walk around in everyday life without feeling paranoid that my scars are showing.
So everything is up in the air again and I'm feeling pretty lonely and rubbish.
Night all, sorry for the moan xx
5 July 2012
4 June 2012
Why I'm quiet - a glimpse into the social world of an Aspie
Here's a little snippet into Aspie brain in terms of socialising - but I'll sum up to start with - if you meet someone you can't quite figure out - maybe they're very shy + quiet, a bit awkward - don't assume they don't want to be around you - their socials skills might just not be the best! (Or just work differently)
Anyway, here's a little insight into an Aspie world:
When I know I have a short-ish social encounter coming up (this can be anything from coffee after church to a doctors appointment) I will 'rehearse' how I think the conversation might go, what I think would be the best response to various questions/actions.
This 'scripting' or rehearsing technique however, is only useful when I know in which context I'm meeting someone. If I don't know which 'box' to put you in, I can't plan a tailored response.
People might say 'just be yourself' the trouble is when you've had depression for 5 1/2 years you really don't have anything to talk about! I have many stories I could to tell, but they are not ones people want or like to hear. So that part of my life complicates things a lot.
In addition to the planning stuff I do, after I chat to someone the conversation/s will replay in my head for hours and sometimes days afterwards. It's not me being vain, worrying what people think - I'm genuinely just trying to figure it out so I know what 'box' to put you in and how to respond if I meet you again!
My brain is a bit like a computer program when it comes to socialising - in unexpected social situations where I don't have a 'script' I'm lost. Computer says no! (Or more like get the heck of here Emma!)
The irritating thing is I'll often think of a great thing to say - the day (or week!) after the conversation.
I'll even find myself repeating conversations out loud when I'm on my own. It's just my way of making up for my lack of social intuition. I'd say that's basically what (at least for me) Aspergers is - lack of social intuition (plus some sensory sensitivity).
You might be thinking - if socialising is SUCH a bloody effort whiney girl why bother?! Well I am human - different yes - but I still need friends and family to live life with :)
In other news I'm waiting to hear back about a very pivotal thing - hoping I get the answer I want but trying my best to trust God knows what's best for me and it may not be the same as I think. From there I will be able to make some more decisions. I am definitely moving to Cheltenham regardless though, so that's next on my to do list!
Hope everyone is having a great Jubilee double bank holiday weekend :)
Night all
X
19 May 2012
Thoughts and - don't drink Pepsi Max Emma!
So I haven't written as much recently, been doing some thinking; well a lot of thinking really.
As far as things've been for the past 5+ years, things've been pretty good recently. Still struggling sometimes with the mental health stuff - just the eating really. The other stuff has been under control since Feb. Taste is a strange thing though isn't it? They say smell can evoke very vivid memories, feelings etc. For me - Pepsi Max. Sounds a bit strange, but all through the worst of my illness I've drunk Pepsi Max, switched to Coke Zero recently cos I like it better... but tesco's didn't have any today, so I had some Pepsi Max... it was kind of a déjà vu type feeling - very strange feeling... I just took a sip and it came over me. Weird. Very weird. Note to self: Don't drink Pepsi Max!!
Anyway. The physical health stuff is somewhat better. Completely shattered after walking round the garden centre with Andrew n Mum earlier, but it's a big improvement on the wheelchair! My back's still being nasty but that's not really going to change I don't think. It's just twisted, and unless I go through fairly major surgery, the options really are painkillers/physio/restricting activity. And the surgery may or may not help. (apparently - although when it feels like my ribs are crushing my intestines/liver everyday cos they're twisted backwards on themselves... I am reluctant to completely agree!). Hopefully something can help. I don't care what it is, I just want to be able to walk around and... well...
There've been a lot of coincidences recently that've got me thinking. Those who knew me when I was at school may know I wanted to study medicine - I had no doubt that I would!! (If only I knew what was coming!) I'd completely ruled this out after the past few years, but now... just knowing the right diagnosis for stuff has helped no end. Hopefully people will stop trying to fix things that aren't broken. And I can work on fixing what is.
I'm going to see how this next year or so goes, how my physical health is etc, and review things. It's still what I'd like to do. I love learning, I'm hardworking and I want to use my life to help others. Sorry if 'help' is politically incorrect now, I don't know! I think you know what I mean. I'm not saying I'm definitely going to go and do this (and if I do, I know it'll take longer than I'd like ;) ). But I'd like to give it my best shot and I haven't been able to do that yet. Not ruling anything out. If it doesn't work out, maybe I will train as a proper silversmith! My experiments with silver that keep not working are far too expensive!!
So. I'm going to move. To Cheltenham; I like it, that's where my church is, and there are actual places within a 5 mile radius of a flat ;) Busses are good (for Gloucestershire anyway! :P) and there are a couple of places I could volunteer at/with to get me back into a kind of ... something lol.
Wow that was a lot of waffly crap that took far too long to write!! I'm hoping to actually get to sleep before 4am tonight, so I'm going to have a nice girly bubble bath and go to bed I think.
p.s. I still haven't quite got my head round the whole AS thing yet... it's challenged my preconceptions of what someone with AS is like (which I thought (having an Autistic brother) were fairly accurate). But knowing that others will have those - and possibly more, (e.g. 'trainspotter') - type stereotypes when they think of Aspergers... is a difficult one. Do I say? Do I not? With education and employers I kinda have to say... but then.. all those misconceptions, prejudice and outdated stereotypes come into play.
pps. I'm hoping all the physical stuff could just be malnutrition... cos, quite frankly the other options are worse! Neurology appt not til July though and who knows when Frenchay will be able to see me about the Scoliosis... more waiting... I'm far too impatient for my own good!!
As far as things've been for the past 5+ years, things've been pretty good recently. Still struggling sometimes with the mental health stuff - just the eating really. The other stuff has been under control since Feb. Taste is a strange thing though isn't it? They say smell can evoke very vivid memories, feelings etc. For me - Pepsi Max. Sounds a bit strange, but all through the worst of my illness I've drunk Pepsi Max, switched to Coke Zero recently cos I like it better... but tesco's didn't have any today, so I had some Pepsi Max... it was kind of a déjà vu type feeling - very strange feeling... I just took a sip and it came over me. Weird. Very weird. Note to self: Don't drink Pepsi Max!!
Anyway. The physical health stuff is somewhat better. Completely shattered after walking round the garden centre with Andrew n Mum earlier, but it's a big improvement on the wheelchair! My back's still being nasty but that's not really going to change I don't think. It's just twisted, and unless I go through fairly major surgery, the options really are painkillers/physio/restricting activity. And the surgery may or may not help. (apparently - although when it feels like my ribs are crushing my intestines/liver everyday cos they're twisted backwards on themselves... I am reluctant to completely agree!). Hopefully something can help. I don't care what it is, I just want to be able to walk around and... well...
There've been a lot of coincidences recently that've got me thinking. Those who knew me when I was at school may know I wanted to study medicine - I had no doubt that I would!! (If only I knew what was coming!) I'd completely ruled this out after the past few years, but now... just knowing the right diagnosis for stuff has helped no end. Hopefully people will stop trying to fix things that aren't broken. And I can work on fixing what is.
I'm going to see how this next year or so goes, how my physical health is etc, and review things. It's still what I'd like to do. I love learning, I'm hardworking and I want to use my life to help others. Sorry if 'help' is politically incorrect now, I don't know! I think you know what I mean. I'm not saying I'm definitely going to go and do this (and if I do, I know it'll take longer than I'd like ;) ). But I'd like to give it my best shot and I haven't been able to do that yet. Not ruling anything out. If it doesn't work out, maybe I will train as a proper silversmith! My experiments with silver that keep not working are far too expensive!!
So. I'm going to move. To Cheltenham; I like it, that's where my church is, and there are actual places within a 5 mile radius of a flat ;) Busses are good (for Gloucestershire anyway! :P) and there are a couple of places I could volunteer at/with to get me back into a kind of ... something lol.
Wow that was a lot of waffly crap that took far too long to write!! I'm hoping to actually get to sleep before 4am tonight, so I'm going to have a nice girly bubble bath and go to bed I think.
Night all
X
p.s. I still haven't quite got my head round the whole AS thing yet... it's challenged my preconceptions of what someone with AS is like (which I thought (having an Autistic brother) were fairly accurate). But knowing that others will have those - and possibly more, (e.g. 'trainspotter') - type stereotypes when they think of Aspergers... is a difficult one. Do I say? Do I not? With education and employers I kinda have to say... but then.. all those misconceptions, prejudice and outdated stereotypes come into play.
pps. I'm hoping all the physical stuff could just be malnutrition... cos, quite frankly the other options are worse! Neurology appt not til July though and who knows when Frenchay will be able to see me about the Scoliosis... more waiting... I'm far too impatient for my own good!!
15 May 2012
Doctors. The good, the bad and the downright useless!! plus IKEA + waffle
The orthopaedic surgeon (supposedly a consultant) today was, unfortunately the latter. And Tetbury hospital is useless and tiny - why was I referred there?!
For starters, they didn't have a single plate big enough to fit my whole spine on in their x-ray room. He wanted the growth plate at the top of my pelvis to be on it (to prove that I'd stopped growing.... did he LOOK at my Date of Birth? I'm 22 for goodness sake!!!) and got about 7 verebrae up from there... this basically showed the very start of the curve, it went off the page, off the xray entirely.
Measurements are quite important. anything over 40 degrees if causing enough problems 'qualifies' for surgery. Mine went from 30 to 35 degrees aged 14-15... it asn't been measured since.... he measured like the first 3 affected vertbebrae... and said it's 24 degrees, won't cause me any pain, if i'm in pain it's nothing to with with my spine being twisted.
After a little bit of pushing well.. what am I am meant to do about the pain? he just said it's not your scoliosis. I'll write to your GP, I don't need to see you again.
So.. I have an appointment tomorrow with my GP cos I need to move.. ugh... NHS shake ups. I so wish I had the money to have private healthcare!!
But I need to persuade him to sent me to the scoliosis specialists in Frenchay, not to one of Crawshaw's buddies in the GRH. I hope he believes me with the pain etc and the visual worsening... I can't wear my usual clothes (not cos I've put on weight, I weigh less than I did then!) cos visually, my left hip sticks out a flippin mile. No clothes bloody fit. I have enough problems with finding clothes anyway. please please please someone either make it not hurt or fix it! PLEASE!!!! ;(
Anyway. Had a good cry on the way home then went down the A46 to ikea - beautiful scenery, (on the A46 not in IKEA :P) took some photos - just uploading them now :) bought a few little frames etc. Going to do a little fiddling tonight on photoshop, and tomorrow hopefully I'll have enough energy and not be shaking so I can do some silversmithing :D might make something out of silver clay... if I can find the proper tools. (or ones that will do at least!!)
My friend has made some beautiful pendants out of polymer clay... I've never been a fan really... reminded of fimo that I did when I was a kid... but I might look into it a bit... I fancy doing something not in metal for a change, something very different, or maybe something to make up elements combined with silver... who knows... I might buy some and have a play... hopefully it's not as expensive as silver clay!
hehe :D
Anyways oh my shop is... : http://folksy.com/shops/MorningStarDesigns
The jewellery was made a while ago, moved onto quite different things now, so do keep checking the page, or 'like' it on fb :) I'm trying to spread the shop address as far and wide as possible, if you go onto the page and click 'share' and share it with your friends that would be AMAZING :) :)
My fb page is: https://www.facebook.com/morningstardesigns.stroud
Cheers everyone :) night all xx
ps. I've noticed a lot of people are having a hard time recently, just keep swimming.. just keep swimming just keep swimming...
My dreams seem SO far off it's laughable that I'll ever achieve them. But it's what I want to do. And if you know me really really well, you will know that once I've fully set my mind on something I WILL DO IT. No matter what it takes. I'm just one of those people.
I'm just trying to get out more... I just HATE public transport... by I've walked to the bus stop, got off in Stroud and walked along to Star Anise I'm in a lot of pain and so so tired. (That's a good day... on a bad day I will be stuck in bed all day.) On an average day, it's walk short distances, wheel chair longer, or like if I'm going out in the evening, I know I can't walk anywhere in the morning... but found some really helpful articles on the scoliosis website about daily living skills to help minimise pain. (oh yeh the 'specialist' also said scoliosis is NOT painful.)
Anyways it's late... I can't sleep again, My photos have just downloaded, and I'm waiting for things to scan in, but when that's done I will try n force myself to go to sleep!!
To all those having a tough time - keep going - I don't know what people believe, but I believe I'm still here... and there's a reason. God's not finished with me yet!
hehe
Waffling again... sorry...
For starters, they didn't have a single plate big enough to fit my whole spine on in their x-ray room. He wanted the growth plate at the top of my pelvis to be on it (to prove that I'd stopped growing.... did he LOOK at my Date of Birth? I'm 22 for goodness sake!!!) and got about 7 verebrae up from there... this basically showed the very start of the curve, it went off the page, off the xray entirely.
Measurements are quite important. anything over 40 degrees if causing enough problems 'qualifies' for surgery. Mine went from 30 to 35 degrees aged 14-15... it asn't been measured since.... he measured like the first 3 affected vertbebrae... and said it's 24 degrees, won't cause me any pain, if i'm in pain it's nothing to with with my spine being twisted.
After a little bit of pushing well.. what am I am meant to do about the pain? he just said it's not your scoliosis. I'll write to your GP, I don't need to see you again.
So.. I have an appointment tomorrow with my GP cos I need to move.. ugh... NHS shake ups. I so wish I had the money to have private healthcare!!
But I need to persuade him to sent me to the scoliosis specialists in Frenchay, not to one of Crawshaw's buddies in the GRH. I hope he believes me with the pain etc and the visual worsening... I can't wear my usual clothes (not cos I've put on weight, I weigh less than I did then!) cos visually, my left hip sticks out a flippin mile. No clothes bloody fit. I have enough problems with finding clothes anyway. please please please someone either make it not hurt or fix it! PLEASE!!!! ;(
Anyway. Had a good cry on the way home then went down the A46 to ikea - beautiful scenery, (on the A46 not in IKEA :P) took some photos - just uploading them now :) bought a few little frames etc. Going to do a little fiddling tonight on photoshop, and tomorrow hopefully I'll have enough energy and not be shaking so I can do some silversmithing :D might make something out of silver clay... if I can find the proper tools. (or ones that will do at least!!)
My friend has made some beautiful pendants out of polymer clay... I've never been a fan really... reminded of fimo that I did when I was a kid... but I might look into it a bit... I fancy doing something not in metal for a change, something very different, or maybe something to make up elements combined with silver... who knows... I might buy some and have a play... hopefully it's not as expensive as silver clay!
hehe :D
Anyways oh my shop is... : http://folksy.com/shops/MorningStarDesigns
The jewellery was made a while ago, moved onto quite different things now, so do keep checking the page, or 'like' it on fb :) I'm trying to spread the shop address as far and wide as possible, if you go onto the page and click 'share' and share it with your friends that would be AMAZING :) :)
My fb page is: https://www.facebook.com/morningstardesigns.stroud
Cheers everyone :) night all xx
ps. I've noticed a lot of people are having a hard time recently, just keep swimming.. just keep swimming just keep swimming...
My dreams seem SO far off it's laughable that I'll ever achieve them. But it's what I want to do. And if you know me really really well, you will know that once I've fully set my mind on something I WILL DO IT. No matter what it takes. I'm just one of those people.
I'm just trying to get out more... I just HATE public transport... by I've walked to the bus stop, got off in Stroud and walked along to Star Anise I'm in a lot of pain and so so tired. (That's a good day... on a bad day I will be stuck in bed all day.) On an average day, it's walk short distances, wheel chair longer, or like if I'm going out in the evening, I know I can't walk anywhere in the morning... but found some really helpful articles on the scoliosis website about daily living skills to help minimise pain. (oh yeh the 'specialist' also said scoliosis is NOT painful.)
Anyways it's late... I can't sleep again, My photos have just downloaded, and I'm waiting for things to scan in, but when that's done I will try n force myself to go to sleep!!
To all those having a tough time - keep going - I don't know what people believe, but I believe I'm still here... and there's a reason. God's not finished with me yet!
hehe
Waffling again... sorry...
Night night
XX
Oh the controversy... Autism and the MMR
*note* I am not qualified in anything other than personal experience and an interest in neurology
Just read another article about vaccines and autism...
I'm very (controversially) undecided from a scientific point of view... a link hasn't been proven, but also neuroscience is an area of ever-evolving knowledge, and we don't know everything - I think sometimes leading scientists can forget that.
Whether immunological vulnerabilities are as a result of, or a cause of Autism.... I don't know enough about neurology to really form a proper opinion - the generalities of rises in autism and the MMR jab and the trials conducted are obviously of no use and do not prove anything.
I wonder if a very small number of cases could be linked, via genes making that person susceptible to neurological changes somehow triggered by the vaccine, or whether, as popularly believed, sudden changes do just happen to appear a few days after the vaccine in certain cases...
From a personal point of view, both me and my brother have autism of (very) varying degrees. We also had quite nasty reactions to the MMR. From what my Mum has told me, my brother was quite unwell after the jab, and then developed classic autistic symptoms quite suddenly. I also reacted badly and had what looked like a measles rash afterwards - I've seen the photo! Only now am I being diagnosed as being on the Autistic Spectrum though. Also indeterminate colitis (a kind of Inflammatory Bowel Disease which has features of UC and Crohn's.. indistinguishable) has been loosely linked to autism - I'd like to read more about this as that is what I have. Histologically it looks more like Crohn's, but they've never caught it in my small intestine. It is an autoimmune disorder... which just raises a slight wondering in me that maybe immunology and autism should be thoroughly studied in relation to each other, to try and determine any possible links, and hence put the MMR theory to rest once and for all, or possibly put it in the spot light again.
I by NO means think all cases of autism are caused my MMR. I know symptoms present around the same time as the jab is often given... but from personal stories from others, and my family... and the immune system problems often co-concurrent with some people with Autism... I wonder.
If there are genes that are linked with autism AND auto-immune problems - and whether these simply showed up as being unwell in me + A, and the Autism would've occurred anyway - or wether the immune reaction at that age messed something up... I guess fMRI's on babies aren't really possible :P hmm. I think my family would be quite good guinea pigs for autism gene profiling lol
ANYWAY
Currently there are no KNOWN links or risks. However, personally, if I have kids (which hopefully one day I will) paying for separate, more spread out vaccinations is what I would do. Even if purely because it made me + my brother quite physically ill. I wouldn't not vaccinate them though.
So that's my controversial post out the way... think I will separate today's general blog into a different post!
Please don't shout at me for my views... No proven link doesn't mean no link. and a link doesn't mean every case is linked.
I just have an open mind on this one.
Just read another article about vaccines and autism...
I'm very (controversially) undecided from a scientific point of view... a link hasn't been proven, but also neuroscience is an area of ever-evolving knowledge, and we don't know everything - I think sometimes leading scientists can forget that.
Whether immunological vulnerabilities are as a result of, or a cause of Autism.... I don't know enough about neurology to really form a proper opinion - the generalities of rises in autism and the MMR jab and the trials conducted are obviously of no use and do not prove anything.
I wonder if a very small number of cases could be linked, via genes making that person susceptible to neurological changes somehow triggered by the vaccine, or whether, as popularly believed, sudden changes do just happen to appear a few days after the vaccine in certain cases...
From a personal point of view, both me and my brother have autism of (very) varying degrees. We also had quite nasty reactions to the MMR. From what my Mum has told me, my brother was quite unwell after the jab, and then developed classic autistic symptoms quite suddenly. I also reacted badly and had what looked like a measles rash afterwards - I've seen the photo! Only now am I being diagnosed as being on the Autistic Spectrum though. Also indeterminate colitis (a kind of Inflammatory Bowel Disease which has features of UC and Crohn's.. indistinguishable) has been loosely linked to autism - I'd like to read more about this as that is what I have. Histologically it looks more like Crohn's, but they've never caught it in my small intestine. It is an autoimmune disorder... which just raises a slight wondering in me that maybe immunology and autism should be thoroughly studied in relation to each other, to try and determine any possible links, and hence put the MMR theory to rest once and for all, or possibly put it in the spot light again.
I by NO means think all cases of autism are caused my MMR. I know symptoms present around the same time as the jab is often given... but from personal stories from others, and my family... and the immune system problems often co-concurrent with some people with Autism... I wonder.
If there are genes that are linked with autism AND auto-immune problems - and whether these simply showed up as being unwell in me + A, and the Autism would've occurred anyway - or wether the immune reaction at that age messed something up... I guess fMRI's on babies aren't really possible :P hmm. I think my family would be quite good guinea pigs for autism gene profiling lol
ANYWAY
Currently there are no KNOWN links or risks. However, personally, if I have kids (which hopefully one day I will) paying for separate, more spread out vaccinations is what I would do. Even if purely because it made me + my brother quite physically ill. I wouldn't not vaccinate them though.
So that's my controversial post out the way... think I will separate today's general blog into a different post!
Please don't shout at me for my views... No proven link doesn't mean no link. and a link doesn't mean every case is linked.
I just have an open mind on this one.
9 May 2012
Perfection(ism)+redemption and Christianity+selfharm/mental illness
So I'm a bit of a perfectionist. No surprise there for most. There's something that I've been thinking about for a while and kept getting confused on, but think I've finally sorted it out in my head.
People keep saying we're 'alive in Christ', that when you accept what Jesus has done for you, you are 'born again'. etc. Biblically this is true, so I have always felt so guilty for doing bad stuff after I became a Christian, as if my thoughts, actions etc should all be instantly perfect. Main example - self harm. This is very difficult territory which I have still yet to totally figure out in my head. There are all sorts of opinions flying around about mental illness in relation to faith at the moment, but back to main point for now. But being saved, accepting Jesus, doesn't make your behaviour, mind or body perfect instantly. It doesn't make life a doddle. By a LONG way.
So! I need to remind myself a lot that mistakes are mistakes, sin is sin, I need to try and walk in God's way more, instead of my own... but not beat myself up when I don't get it right; cos I am human.
But how does this work out in real life? Good question! Well the most obvious thing I'm not good at is treating myself with respect and love. (ugh just saying makes my insides squirm!)
The the second half. Christianity, mental illness and self harm.
Firstly, there is a growing recognition and acceptance within church that mental illness is no more the person's fault than a physical one. God can heal both yes, does he always? No. But you would recommend someone with a broken bone to get medical treatment, not just 'pray more' or 'have more faith'. These attitudes are changing. The difficulty comes when an illness causes you to sin. In my case the main thing being self harm. What's the general consensus then?
Is it OK to self harm? is it even a sin? - I've gone into more detail with my thoughts on this below; but primarily, I'm not sure if God is concerned with whether it's sin or not. He loves us and doesn't want us to be hurting inside so much that we need to take it out in such an extreme way. For a Christian who knows someone who self harms, don't make your primary aim to 'make them stop it'. Make it your primary aim to love that person, letting God's love flow through you. Support them, invite them over, meet with them, whatever their needs are, do what you are able to help them. Try seeing that person through God's eyes. The last thing (I know I) need is judgement and pressure.
With the whole is it a sin thing... I'm sure God would rather we didn't do it, cos I know he loves us and doesn't want us to hurt physically or emotionally, but is it a sin? There's the whole 'your body is a temple for the spirit to live in' thing... well here's the verses:
People keep saying we're 'alive in Christ', that when you accept what Jesus has done for you, you are 'born again'. etc. Biblically this is true, so I have always felt so guilty for doing bad stuff after I became a Christian, as if my thoughts, actions etc should all be instantly perfect. Main example - self harm. This is very difficult territory which I have still yet to totally figure out in my head. There are all sorts of opinions flying around about mental illness in relation to faith at the moment, but back to main point for now. But being saved, accepting Jesus, doesn't make your behaviour, mind or body perfect instantly. It doesn't make life a doddle. By a LONG way.
So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.
- Romans 6:11
If you look through this ^^ passage, I think it's talking about the power of sin. It means sin has no eternal power over me anymore, in that way I am dead to sin's power. (cos of the cross) We discussed this last night in a church group thing I'm just starting. I think I can sum up the first half of this post like this: I am spiritually alive; but I will not be made 'perfect' (in all the ways God intended before sin {rebellion against God} existed), until I am with God in heaven. In the mean time, I know the ways God intended me to live are the best for me, so with the spirit's help, I will try and do the best I can with what I've got!So! I need to remind myself a lot that mistakes are mistakes, sin is sin, I need to try and walk in God's way more, instead of my own... but not beat myself up when I don't get it right; cos I am human.
But how does this work out in real life? Good question! Well the most obvious thing I'm not good at is treating myself with respect and love. (ugh just saying makes my insides squirm!)
The the second half. Christianity, mental illness and self harm.
Firstly, there is a growing recognition and acceptance within church that mental illness is no more the person's fault than a physical one. God can heal both yes, does he always? No. But you would recommend someone with a broken bone to get medical treatment, not just 'pray more' or 'have more faith'. These attitudes are changing. The difficulty comes when an illness causes you to sin. In my case the main thing being self harm. What's the general consensus then?
Is it OK to self harm? is it even a sin? - I've gone into more detail with my thoughts on this below; but primarily, I'm not sure if God is concerned with whether it's sin or not. He loves us and doesn't want us to be hurting inside so much that we need to take it out in such an extreme way. For a Christian who knows someone who self harms, don't make your primary aim to 'make them stop it'. Make it your primary aim to love that person, letting God's love flow through you. Support them, invite them over, meet with them, whatever their needs are, do what you are able to help them. Try seeing that person through God's eyes. The last thing (I know I) need is judgement and pressure.
With the whole is it a sin thing... I'm sure God would rather we didn't do it, cos I know he loves us and doesn't want us to hurt physically or emotionally, but is it a sin? There's the whole 'your body is a temple for the spirit to live in' thing... well here's the verses:
Do you not know that yout are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.
- 1 Corinthians 16-17
This argument seems pretty clear huh? ... BUT the word 'you', is a plural 'you'. If you rewind back into that passage, Paul is writing about the church, not an individual. The Jews believed that the temple is where God dwelled, so Paul is saying 'you' as a group of people, are like a temple, because God dwells in you now. I'm not sure the primary meaning of these verses (when put in context,) means what a lot of people abstract it to mean.
However as I said before, God doesn't want you to be hurting, and morality alone tells us that it's not a good thing to injure someone else, and you have the same value as everyone else, so of course doesn't wish you to hurt yourself either. So sin? maybe... but that lie you told your friend the other day to get out of something? same thing. Just more socially acceptable. Doesn't mean it's spiritually more acceptable too.
OK think I waffled on farrr too much and deeply, so:
To people who know someone who self harms: love them, don't judge them.
To anyone who is has a mental illness - it doesn't make you any 'less' of a person or Christian.
Well that was a head-stretching one. Hope I made sense!
Thanks for reading!
Thanks for reading!
6 May 2012
what a week...
So I can't remember how much I posted about in my Birthday post. Think I mentioned the wheelchair; well things still aren't good. Actually I'm feeling really nasty. (To put it mildly!) Things've been getting worse for 6 months or so.
There is definitely something quite wrong. From what I can gather it's most likely m.s. or m.e.(/cfs) but that is for the doctors to decide... have been referred to a neurologist.. it's all a waiting game really.
Had another random attack of severe pain tonight. Very strong, right around the area of my liver/right kidney. Searing pain... wasn't sure what it was, so given how ill I've been feeling recently and how flippin painful it was, decided to go to a&e; established my liver + kidneys are OK and it's not a UC flare... so most likely neuropathic again :/
So I'm now dosed up with painkillers; some strong stuff, so hopefully should be able to manage at home with help from Mum. To cut a long story short, in November the GI doc wanted to start me on 1 medicine that's meant to be good for long term neuropathic pain (pain that comes from your nerves/brain not working right basically) but couldn't BUT he could now. So need to see about that.
But yeh... it's 5.30am and light and I just got home... so think I'll do some design on illustrator - maybe tomorrow Mum can take some photos of stuff and I can upload them to my new online shop :D I'll post a link here when I've got it up and fully running :) heck - you'll all get spammed with links ;) jk. I wouldn't do that ;)
Anyway - better get designing whilst I still have the energy to type + click etc :)
Hope everyone has a good Sunday wherever you are :)
X
There is definitely something quite wrong. From what I can gather it's most likely m.s. or m.e.(/cfs) but that is for the doctors to decide... have been referred to a neurologist.. it's all a waiting game really.
Had another random attack of severe pain tonight. Very strong, right around the area of my liver/right kidney. Searing pain... wasn't sure what it was, so given how ill I've been feeling recently and how flippin painful it was, decided to go to a&e; established my liver + kidneys are OK and it's not a UC flare... so most likely neuropathic again :/
So I'm now dosed up with painkillers; some strong stuff, so hopefully should be able to manage at home with help from Mum. To cut a long story short, in November the GI doc wanted to start me on 1 medicine that's meant to be good for long term neuropathic pain (pain that comes from your nerves/brain not working right basically) but couldn't BUT he could now. So need to see about that.
But yeh... it's 5.30am and light and I just got home... so think I'll do some design on illustrator - maybe tomorrow Mum can take some photos of stuff and I can upload them to my new online shop :D I'll post a link here when I've got it up and fully running :) heck - you'll all get spammed with links ;) jk. I wouldn't do that ;)
Anyway - better get designing whilst I still have the energy to type + click etc :)
Hope everyone has a good Sunday wherever you are :)
X
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