So.. it's been a long time since I've written...
This will be very open, as I feel this sort of stuff needs to be less scary to talk about - and - it's all that's on my mind at the moment. So here goes, forgive me for perhaps being a little blunt.
My arms and legs are severely scarred. I have always wanted to work as a medic, which means wearing short sleeves. Which causes... MAJOR problems.
I have been free of self-harm for over a year now. I am moving on in life and want nothing more in the world than for the scars to be gone. I know whatever surgery takes place my arms will never be 'normal', but it's very hard to move on in life when your intimate history is written in bold capital letters all across your body.
I believe I meet the criteria for NHS treatment as the 'original issue' has resolved and the scars cause 'severe psychosocial dysfunction' / psychological distress.
They cause more than that... imagine being in a boiling hot room and having to wear long sleeves and trousers or thick tights... imagine never being able to go to the beach or sunbathe ever again... never being able to wear a t-shirt ever again, and only dresses that can be worn with a jacket and dark tights (skin colour ones even at the thickest denier just don't work).
It's not just in my personal life they become difficult... a LOT of work uniforms for low-paid jobs insist on short sleeves - and even with long sleeves if I stretch to get something a couple of scars will peek out of my sleeve - it's not something employers will 'see past'. It severely affects my chances of employment and career opportunities.
That's not even mentioning the effect they have on my self-confidence... (like what self-confidence!!)
Anyway, my GP referred me to a plastic surgeon, and I had an appointment all booked for early-mid august... today I got a letter in the post saying my appointment has been cancelled due to 'non-funded procedure'. There aren't really crystal-clear guidelines on this sort of thing cos it's so seldom requested/done. He will put in for an INNF/IFR (interventions not normally funded/individual funding request) but said he really doesn't know if they will agree to it and feels it's likely they won't.
So... now what?
Otherwise had a pretty boring day, haven't managed to eat 'enough' (although it still feels like too much) today, otherwise I've been doing well.
Oh the bus driver today was a *()&%^$*&^** ... I asked if the bus went past my stop because it seemed like an extra service (unusual time) and he looked confused and then said yes. then he stopped about 3/4 mile away from home and says 'I lied, it doesn't stop there'. Having just opened the letter when I was out and having a very heavy bag of shopping (nothing exciting - cleaning supplies) this was the last thing I needed. Had been holding back the tears for about an hour by then and that was the last straw... walked back home sniffling and feeling rather embarrassed! :/
There's no way I could ever afford to get surgery privately either.
So a waiting game. I was so hoping that this would just go smoothly and I would have a semi fresh start... so I could pursue the career I've always wanted and could walk around in everyday life without feeling paranoid that my scars are showing.
So everything is up in the air again and I'm feeling pretty lonely and rubbish.
Night all, sorry for the moan xx
No comments:
Post a Comment