Let's start with my brother; Autism is the reason he is obsessed with clocks and when I say I'll be there in a minute, he times 60 seconds on his watch and then tells me off for being late. It's the reason he doesn't know that it's socially inappropriate to hug strangers (and tickle them) for extended periods of time and the reason he jumps at sudden noises.
My brother also has cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties and it is these learning difficulties that (I think) makes his Autism reasonably typical/characteristic. He can't learn that 'in a minute' doesn't mean 60 seconds, or that if the 50 random people he's tickled don't like it, other people probably won't either.
Let's fast-forward to now. To me, Autism / AS / ASD (lots of conditions, all on a spectrum) means a lot more than that. (I'll use AS as an abbreviation from now on). AS is the reason I've always found it difficult to connect with people and 'make friends'. It's the reason I've always felt like an outsider in a world where I was missing... something. Why couldn't I just talk to people? Why did they seem to gravitate away from me? Why did I always feel alone?
The answer lies within Aspergers. I've now learnt that I've never been able to quickly and accurately gauge what other people are thinking/feeling (if at all). I now know why I find sarcastic comments so confusing and hurtful - I never know if they are telling the truth or being 'amusing' (sarcastic). I now know that my attempts at 'reading between the lines' are generally either reading where there's nothing, or mistaking yellow as black; they're way off. Autism is the reason why I can't stand the sound of a toothbrush/nailbrush, why I hate balloons (when they pop my ears hurt) why, at 22, I feel more comfortable going to a museum than going to a nightclub.
There are a lot of things about AS that have had a very negative impact on my life. After years of feeling rejected by 99.9% of people 99.9% of the time because of my differences (which I couldn't see), I fell into a long and severe depression. That feeling of constant rejection had worn away at my self esteem so much, I saw no point in going on living. That is a horrible place to be.
But somehow, somehow I survived those years (which is nothing short of a miracle) and I'm still here today and thanks to my faith, stronger than before. For me, finding out I had AS was the key to unlocking this big padlock of a cage full of other cages which I couldn't get to before. It enabled me to understand my thinking better and therefore work on changing it. Before I knew I had AS, I went round in circles with therapist after therapist, medication after medication, finding nothing except that I had no emotional awareness. (Although I still think many of the therapists believed I was aware of what was 'wrong' and I just wasn't telling them!)
So, the positives about AS; it gives me an analytical brain that can excel in certain areas; when I do something, I do it 'properly', there are no half measures with me! If I'm going to do something, I will put all my effort and strength into doing that thing to the absolute best of my ability. AS makes me very honest - it doesn't occur to me to lie most of the time.
Having AS has opened my mind to many things and I hope, made me less judgemental as a person especially in the area of mental health. It has enabled me to see that I am not unlovable, I just don't fit into other people's idea of 'normal' very well (despite trying my best). I'm slowly learning to accept myself as God made me and find my identity in Him, not in other's opinions of me.So, what does Autism mean to me? It's the key to understanding me and my family. It's the world through a different lens, a mind that runs a different operating system. If you know anyone who just doesn't ever quite 'fit in', try and get to know them - it might not be easy, but it will be worth it :)
Happy World Autism Awareness Day!
x
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