Went and saw Nan this afternoon... def not a good day for her :( Think she was getting confused with Mum not coming up til later instead of in the morning and her lunch coming late. She said her carer didn't turn up... the one from the place she lives... (there isn't one at the place she lives, it sheltered housing, not supported or a care home) On the phone a few weeks ago she said to my uncle that her 'carer' had been coming in, when asked her name, she said Helen! (that's my mum) ummm.... it seems like she's dissociating between Mum when she comes to look after her, and Mum when she comes in the afternoon or with me... very odd... and worrying :/ -sigh- I love her... it's difficult, wondering whether next week she will still be alive... or know who I am.
Been doing some more illustrator tonight, as Mum is at hers cooking dinner for Paul and his... Aunt? Cousin? and husband. Managing (with much resistance from my head) to eat a little more the last few days. Really hating it though.
Hating my flat too, it's TOO COLD! My electric bill was wayyyy too high, and it's the night usage, i.e the night storage heaters, I've got the little one in the hall on 3/6 but it doesn't seem to really do anything at all. I can't sit in the living room without coat, scarf gloves etc on, which doesn't exactly lend itself to making jewellery. So when I'm at home, to keep warm I'm generally in bed, on my laptop or watching TV. At least I (sometimes) do something useful on my laptop like this evening.
Battling your mind every minute of every day gets tiring... (to put it mildly) People act like you can just 'decide' to do or not do something. It's just not that simple. If only it was!! Do you think I'd choose to live like this?! All we can do is fight, every minute of every day until things (hopefully) start to become a little easier.
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