Clothes shopping and me

So this blog may seem quite random, but clothes are posing a REALLY big problem to me at the moment! I would be very grateful if anybody reading has any ideas of things/styles that might be good for me, cos I'm all out of ideas!


 I'm going to separate it into different sections, clothes shopping is a nightmare because:


1. I have Aspergers - I am extremely sensitive to: the feel of certain fabrics, (unfortunately I tend to find more expensive fabrics like silk and just good quality things less repulsive to my sense of touch!) the restrictive nature of certain clothes, (why you rarely see me in a coat - and when you do I'm never a happy bunny!!) I would love to find 'day' clothes that feel as comfy as pyjamas!! also I can't have things anywhere near my neck, I can only tolerate v-necks or very wide scoops or else I feel sick. (This is a BIG problem with fashion trends at the moment)
2. I have scoliosis - I can't wear clingy things or things that draw in at the waist, or baggy things that need a waist belt etc, I have too much waist on my left side, and no waist on the other, and on the left side my hip looks disproportionately large.
3. Due to my socially unattractive personality and not fitting in socially, I try to fix that by trying to look nice to make me fit in. The trouble is I don't know who I'm trying to 'fit in' with! Hence I tend to buy random pieces of clothing I just like, and they don't go together at all in a prescribed 'style'. (this trying to fit in has also lead to my eating problems, which to be honest is a whole different blog post just on the impact it has on clothes shopping, and I don't want to talk about it right now!)
4. Clothes have to cover all of my arms and legs, cropped anything is a big no-no!!


Put these things together and you have a recipe for disaster! I'm currently living in the few pieces of clothing I have left from when I was 16-17 and feeling rather young and out-dated in them! On the rare occasion that I meet people they never believe I am 21. They think anything between 15 and 18. Which I find quite insulting! I have yet to meet a person that hasn't asked me something along the lines of "so what are you doing in school or college?" >.<


Anyways if anyone has idea please comment - maybe I should enter the lottery and hope I win and then have clothes made for me :P
Then I feel guilty, cos I know I shouldn't care what I look like... or about what I wear... but I do. :s


On a totally different topic - I'm so worried about my brother. His care home is crap. I sort of feel like a second mother to him - I just want to scoop him up and take him home and look after him properly. But I know I couldn't blah blah blah. I wonder if we could have adjoining flats and he have 24 hr carers...
-sigh-


I can but dream...


Night night everyone, sweet dreams x

Assumptions about AS, scoliosis, hedgehog and my designs have come :)

So since I've been writing about the fact I have Aspergers, people seem to be making all sorts of bizarre assumptions about me. 
Things like assuming I don't want to see people, or talk to people or go places... that I'm antisocial and don't like being around people at all... that I'm somehow different than I was...
Think it may be a common misunderstanding (and although I can't speak for everyone with AS), this is what I feel about the subject of assuming social stuff: Never assume anything - I find socializing more difficult than most yes, but I still need friends and other living things in my life besides my cat, my mum [love you though :)] and the spider currently residing in the corner of my living room above the piano! 
Some days I may be feeling more confident and my anxiety will be slightly less, I will b more at ease and social stuff comes a bit easier; some days I will in excruciating pain from my back or exhausted from no sleep and then yes, my socializing skills won't be 'made up'. It's like wearing make-up to hide my lack of natural social skills, it takes effort to put on; but I can still enjoy it, especially if I feel I've managed to understand and/or be understood by someone; a connection. 
Speaking of tiredness I only have been getting 2-3 hours sleep a night so I'm going to make this short! The only other thing I'll add today on this topic is that please, never assume I wouldn't want to do anything because of any illness I might have - I'd much rather have the option of joining in, (especially if I can prepare!) otherwise it just builds low self esteem by feeling invisible and rejected, which makes socializing even harder. 
I know it's been a while since I've written, nothing new I wanted to share until now really; I'm in a potentially long process of referral to a scoliosis specialist about my back... for some reason it never got followed up as an adult, and it was last x-rayed when I was 15, it was 35 degrees then and I was 'skeletally mature' although I have grown another 2-3 inches in height since then and my curve has visually got quite a lot worse. I've been irritated by a crushing sensation in under my right ribs for the past few months - it's likely it's my scoliosis that is causing it, even if the sensation is purely muscular (although I have noticed when standing straight, my left ribcage does stick out quite a bit at the front, and you can't really see the right one :s) 
On a positive note, I had a hedgehog in my garden tonight!!! :D my first hedgehog!! <3 It's soooo cute, I have to get some cat food (my cat doesn't eat cat food lol she's too posh! :P) to put out for it :) annnnd my vistaprint order has arrived!!! I have notebooks, a couple of cotton bags, some sticky notes, note pads and some pens printed with some of my trial designs :) 
Anyway - I WILL get some sleep tonight... I hope... please!! :s

Night all

X

What to say / What NOT to say...

A very difficult question... especially for someone with Aspergers. 
I've heard so many conflicting statements... 


'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all' 
'I'm fed up of 'people' moaning about their problems instead of working on fixing them'
'Be yourself'
'It's OK to express how you're feeling'
'Be transparent - don't separate yourself into boxes and reveal different boxes to different people'


There doesn't seem to be any logical rule everyone agrees on! What do you reveal in what situation? To what degree? To whom? I'm pretty useless at lying. Hence my lack of communication to most people... people only seem to want to hear about lovely, positive, soul-lifting things... well my life isn't full of much of that kinda stuff; at least not right now... I still hold out hope that some sort of good will come from my life eventually. 
But right now... no, I'm not 'ok' I still don't have a socially acceptable (and somewhat truthful) answer to: 'Hi, how are you?' Or even: 'So what do you do?' 
As for me... I don't wish to compartmentalise.. quite frankly it's too confusing and messy. But equally I don't want to be prejudged and come face to face with any more prejudice and rejection as I already have done!


It's so complicated! I'd love to say - this is me; if you don't like it, leave me be. But I know no-one would be left! I know if everyone truly knew what was under the surface... ...anyways. Getting off-track. Something I'm very good at!


The more you reveal about yourself, strengths and weaknesses; the more vulnerable you become to people using you. The great ... what's the word? Paradox? don't think that's it... grr. Useless with words!!


What I am going to say:
Learning I have Aspergers was a massive revelation... but with an official diagnosis at least 18 months away - IF they decide it's worth funding - and no support available.... what do I do with it? 
I have slightly more insight into what makes me anxious, but I have no tools to change it, and I'm still left with all the same problems as I had before... and as I'm trying to reduce my anxiety and 'be myself' more... I seem to be alienating the few people who are left in my life. It seems vastly unacceptable to society today for a young woman to be 'socially inadequate' (as I have been described) Which only makes it harder for a lonely, emotionally vulnerable 21 yr old girl with nothing 'nice' to say (with general chit-chat anyways) to socialise... (which by the way doesn't mean I don't want to have fun... I just find very different things fun! For instance some days I find a good dose of algebra far more relaxing than making Jewellery... and both FAR more fun than a cinema trip!! Equally, I love watching the Big Bang Theory and talking about cats...
 I feel like.. (I might've said this before...) Men are from Mars... Women are from Venus and Aspies ... we're just from a different galaxy altogether... each on our own little planets but drawn together through difference.
Anyways my thoughts seem to be sucking me even further into a dark vacuum so I am going to shut up now and try and remember it's Easter; there is hope, I am loved and accepted; even if only by God! :)




Think I've fully exhausted the title topic! (and probably added too much too) So going to stop typing now! 

Night all 

x

World Autism Awareness Day...

I feel I should say something significant today. I didn’t know whether to talk about growing up with my brother with ‘classic’ (ish!) autism, about my recent realisation that I too, am autistic; or about living life through an ‘Aspie’s’ eyes.

Truth is I’d like to talk about all of these things, but I think the blog would be unendingly long! I would love to say something inspiring and insightful, but my brain has had a tough day. (I went to get my haircut; a whole host of sensory overload that send my brain into a tizz and makes me feel, frankly; nauseous. But that is another post.) Also, I don't really have anything inspiring to say! I just have me and my life.

For someone who may seem to appear (or not, I can’t tell!) so ‘normal’ on the outside, it may seem very odd to hear that I have Aspergers. It’s not that I have ‘mild’ Aspergers, I simply don’t have commonly associated learning difficulties and have grown up with an autistic brother with those difficulties; I had a very clear example of ‘not normal’, which meant ‘not acceptable’. And so my Apergers became very hidden. All those typically autistic things like flapping hands or rocking? I learnt before I could do those things that they weren’t acceptable. I would just clam up, or cry.

Primary school was very hard; completely bewildering. I managed to make a couple of friends though toward the end of it, and this continued into Secondary school. I had a stable small social group, who I felt relatively ok with. I was always better at 1-1 communication though. (Groups… I just don’t know how to navigate, so I stay quiet most of the time.) I did very well academically; there was no reason for people in responsibility to think there was something ‘wrong’ with me.

In 6^th form, when life in general was getting more complicated, and my little group kind of split and went different ways… hung out with different people… I was petrified of these different people!!! … change… hate it especially when I can’t control it!!

All that, plus the death of my grandfather, plus consequently dropping out of school… was the end of life as I knew it.

Over the past 5 ½ years it has become massively apparent (to the health profession anyways) that I am not ‘normal’. But what it was… I still don’t think everyone agrees. I was given the incredibly unhelpful label of borderline personality disorder. Not only unhelpful because there’s a TON of stigma attached to that diagnosis; but unhelpful because the talking treatments they tried never got near to the root cause of my problems, simply because they were looking in wrong places and the basic lack of communication skills needed in talking therapies that I wasn’t even aware I didn’t possess. (One place actually directly told me I had the social skills, I just wasn’t using them!)

I heard it put like this – working with a person with Autism/Aspergers is like working with a different raw material.

I go one further, because I like analogies.. It’s like using tools to hammer gold into shape, when in fact you’ve got stainless steel. Or try this – It’s like looking for a programming fault in a .exe when you’ve actually got a .dmg … pick which ever picture you like; our minds just work differently!

In some circumstances it can be incredibly disabling, but (I am told) that with the right support in the right circumstances we can do well.

On a faith note for today; I know, wherever you go, be it mentally or physically; God NEVER lets go. I know that with probably more depth than most people seem to. Trust me; if you ask him in, he’s already at your hearts’ door waiting to embrace you. I wish I could say I can show the fruit of leaning on God for strength and peace and everything; but I’m still learning to lean on him, so far I’ve only leaned enough to (just about) stay alive. I’m trusting the more I know God, walk with him, the more I will be able to ‘live life to the full’ not just simply exist.

So back in a full circle, happy World Autism Awareness Day everyone!

Please don’t judge someone; whatever their label, be it Aspie, ASD, BPD, Depression, Anxiety; or blank. When you encounter someone you can’t figure out, or does things you don’t understand, please don’t judge them; but consider the possibility they might not think like you do. Also I should add, it’s ok to not think like you do! :)

Night All

X

Blog dedicated to my brother, one of the most gorgeous, loving people I have known and will ever know. J