Unbelievably excited!

So I've been wanting to do this kinda of artwork for a while, but hadn't looked up the actual cost of materials, assuming it would be wayyyyy too high. But found somewhere in Cheltenham that sells the things I need, and it's very affordable. Cheaper than oil or watercolour painting, printmaking etc. 
The magical art form I am SO excited about is: Chemigrams!!!! The 'founder' of the chemigram, Pierre Cordiér has done some amazing work, google him if you'd like to see some amazing stuff, he's also written a 'story' about the chemigram entitled: The Life and Times of Chemigram; or The Tale of Mr. Painting-Physics and Mrs. Photo-Chemistry’s Illicit Love. 
Here is an artist with humour!


Just done tiny 1 -inch ish type trials today, going to try some bigger pieces tomorrow that take more time. Basically, you use light sensitive paper (silver halide coated paper) in plain daylight, and 2 chemicals: a developer which makes the paper go dark, and a 'fix' that makes the paper go white. You can also use a resist to create interesting effects. 
Since they're only minuscule I'll post some up here tomorrow when I've scanned them. 


Chemistry AND art :D I'm in my element! (no pun intended :P)
Anyways need sleep, must tell my brain to shut up and stop thinking. It doesn't seem to be able to fit it's thinking time into the schedule of needing to sleep at night!
On a side note the crohn's/colitis is being a nuisance again so even though my eyes are pretty much better, still physically feeling pretty nasty. Been a stressful few days too, but I've come through them safely :) 

Night all

X

Balance-Peace-AS-Senses-Silversmithing

It appears balance plays a big role in life. Just as being physically unbalanced means you fall into things and get hurt, being unbalanced in all sorts of ways can lead to pain too. What I was thinking more specifically with this is what to say/not say in various circumstances. It may be best for me to balance conversations with negative and positive things (if I can find any!) but this sits uncomfortably with me as I am very straight-forward. I'm tired of the facade of being 'ok'. Sometimes, in fact most of the time I'm not even meh, I'm feeling bad, very bad or horrendous! 
I have therefore, in short, come to the conclusion that being me is ok, but maybe I need to have better balance in my life, learn to be peaceful and see good things outside my bad situation. Then I'll have something good to report even if I'm feeling crap. For me, this is where my faith comes in. I have had a real sense of God's peace recently, although for a few days when my eyes were at their worst I was in rather a lot of a tizz and lost 'sight' of things. 
In AS, a persons senses are often (if not always) over-sensitive. Like say I'm in the car, I either have the window open (on a slow road only) or listen to music (that I can pick), or chat. I can't take all of those noises at once!! Or if it's raining, that throws everything out the window!! And loud sudden noises, (like over the road's dog barking) make me jump out of my skin!! And that's only part of the auditory sensitivity.. my visual sense is very heightened, bright colours/busy patterns really bother me, and don't get me started on touch/pain sensitivity!! 
Often things other people find mildly irritating will make my head feel like it is going to explode. If I am trapped with the offensive noise/sight/smell/pain/whatever, I will sooner or later explode in some sort of way. In AS world they call it a 'meltdown'. It's not that I'm being difficult by being fussy about things, I just experience a lot of things very intensely compared to most people. 
On the eyes front, they seem to be gradually getting better :) they're still not normal for me, but a LOT better than before :) Just been replaced with some nasty mouth ulcers, but I can cope with them!! And my alphabet stamps arrived yesterday :D (for silver) waiting for the cooksons order so I actually have some silver to make stuff out of; but really excited! And my cluster leader gave me a silversmithing book :) It looks realllly good, got loads of techniques I want to try, and things I've been wanting to know how to do and stuff :)

:) :) :) 

Anyways, trying to get used to daylight savings, so better go to sleep now-ish! 

Night all 

x

Inspiring Quotes - turn around

Had my moan yesterday, now to shift into a different thinking space - here is a small collection of quotes I find inspiring:

• The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

• The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.    – Anna Quindlen

• Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

• If you’re going through hell, keep going.   – Winston Churchill

• What the caterpillar calls a tragedy, the Master calls a butterfly.   – Richard Bach

• Earth's crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God: But only he who sees takes off his shoes.- Elizabeth Barret Browning

• Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions, all life is an experience.   – Ralph Waldo Emerson

• We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. - Eleanor Roosevelt

• I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I’ve ended up where I needed to be.   – Douglas Adams

• Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.   – Dorothy Parker

• You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.   – Mary Tyler Moore

• Nothing we learn in this world is ever wasted.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

• With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.  – Eleanor Roosevelt

• Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them. - Albert Einstein 

• Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal. As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time.  - CS Lewis

• Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

• Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. - CS Lewis

• Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ. - CS Lewis

• We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. - CS Lewis 

 

Lost, Misunderstood.

I don't even know where to begin.. I was feeling a little better this morning, I decided to have a lie in, although by 1pm my hips were aching like heck as if I'd walked somewhere.
Anyway, the feeling a bit better went to hell, purely being driven to Glos and back for IBD clinic was more than exhausting... the exhaustion is stupid... the same level I feel as if I've literally not eaten a single thing in a week and walked 5 miles or so. 
But I'd walked 150 metres... and I've been eating ok... (brain not happy about it but I'm managing it). 
I need to go out to get materials for art project/s, I need to actually see things, I can't do that kind of shopping online! :/ Can try I guess. The p+p is just so expensive!
Guess my world has kind of been turned upside down in the last couple of days... you think people understand you, like you... then you find out they don't have a clue, they just think you're a horrible person and put up with it. I don't know how to communicate... it's like my brain is set to a different logic... or something... small things I say seem to offend people and I have no idea why, and people constantly tear my heart apart by telling me I'm wrong, useless, stupid, horrid, hostile, hostile?! me? hostile?! really?!! Or selfish, attention seeking, 'unwilling to accept responsibility', manipulating... give me a flipping manual on how to manipulate someone, I still don't think I'd be able to pull it off! (By NO means saying I'm perfect - I'm anything but that)
It's all through mis-understanding... I'm beginning to understand myself... but it's so complicated, I need to come with a bloody manual in order to know how to 'speak my language' cos I lack the skills to read other people's 'language' and they lack the insight to 'speak MY language'. -sigh- 
It's come to the point of: So I have Asperger's, it makes so much sense, it's a relief blah blah blah... ... what now? I can recognise what some of my pitfalls may be and why... but what can I DO about it? No-one in the entire universe seems to operate on my wavelength... I feel such a mis-fit, SO out of place...

'If home's where the heart is, then I'm out of place'

I'm really trying not to get too down about everything, to remain positive that God has a GOOD plan for my life... but finding that next to impossible... I'd like to curl up and sleep and hibernate in my flat, but 

1) I can't sleep, and 2) Everything will still be just as difficult when I come out of hibernation.

I just feel SO alone. It's such a deep dark void. I need people who understand me, relate to me, but apparently there are none at all. Not even other Aspie's. 

Constantly trying not to let these thoughts rise to the surface too often. I've got to learn to become more resilient and less sensitive to things... Going to be concentrating on my 'divine' jewellery range soon. Will be designing mainly pendants with Bible verses/paraphrased verses inscribed on the reverse. 

Anyways, my eyes hurt. Sorry For the moaning, it's good to vent even if no-one reads it! 

Night anyone who might be out there!

X

Week + Caffeinated Creativity

So I've had a rough few days/week. My eyes have been being VERY stupid. I have rapidly become stupidly sensitive to light. On meds for a Crohn's/UC Flare as well, and generally feeling physically awful. I am constantly worn out to the point of shaking, and just not wanting to move. Physically after a small amount of walking/tidying/anything much, I just want to curl up in a dark room and not move a muscle. I've got a low-grade temperature, my bones hurt... (sounds stupid I know, but they do!) and I'm as clumsy as can be.. covered in bruises from walking/staggering into things. Even eating fruit salad today was a task... had to aim carefully n stab each bit, too shaky otherwise!)
Anyway, eyes - ended up having urgent ophthalmologist appt last week, because of them. I can't focus properly on close things, and bright things glow. Sounds stupid, but  it's like (even through sunglasses) bright shapes are like someone's applied a very strong uneven 'outer glow' in photoshop and I can't make out the edges properly. Hence I have been wearing sunglasses all the time even indoors, They feel a little better today, as I have managed to type this (all be it on min. brightness with sunglasses on!) 
But yes. I have been very grumpy and distressed, because I had sooo many ideas and things I wanted to do in illustrator..... graphic design type things, but I couldn't even see well enough to do hand-drawn sketches of them. Let ALONE use the computer. EVERYTHING I like doing involves a high level of detailed eyesight. 
However, today, (sitting in Starbucks wearing sunglasses!) I had a sudden rush of creative thoughts, and managed to very roughly document them in large handwriting/sketches at Mum's. However it did make me feel quite ill afterwards! (other than pain, looking at things causes nausea). I am keeping the details under wraps for now, but it's along the lines of society/conforming/individualism/stereotypes/what's on the inside. Hoping to have enough for my own exhibition one day :) :s. 
I'm not sure if caffeine (I had my favourite - mocha frappucino) (which I still can't spell!)... my creative processes often happen very fast, but this was not going at the speed of sound, but the speed of light! 
Anyway. Need to fully regain my eyesight first. I'm wondering if the severe infection I had triggered M.E off again... :/ I bloody hope not. I was diagnosed with it aged about 7... and gradually recovered over the next few years. 
But all the structures in my eyes were 'normal', so the ophthalmologist just said it's not his problem. Which is true, but not exactly helpful when you can't SEE!!! So GP is waiting for his report before he decides what to do. Guess optic nerve/brain stuff, or M.E. / insanely out of control AS are the only other things... 
Anyway, this has taken farrrrr too long to write, and my eyes hurt like *£)&%^ now, and things are even more blurry/glow-y.
Sorry for the lack of formatting. 
Night all
X 

Reading between the lines (or not) and a bit of psychology

I always thought I was very good at 'reading between the lines'... but it's becoming ever more clear that I'm useless at it. Some of it is quite learnt, and if one time, one person said something and I overheard them talking about me afterwards negatively, I've learnt that's what that means; and taken that rule and applied it to every person in every situation. There are too many examples to even know where to begin. 


A lot of it I think I learnt in primary school, and I guess other people (might) now think and behave differently to when they were kids? 
E.g. If someone doesn't talk to me when I'm around them a fair bit, they hate me and want me to go away. I'm still pretty convinced this is true, but apparently people might just not know what to say, or they may have no opinion of me at all. Also I've been told many times I come across as distant/detached/cold, I don't mean to, it's just in social situations, I'm so anxious and have no confidence (my assumption about everyone unless given extensive reassurance, is that everyone hates me) so I kind of shut down; I want to connect but not be interrogated, but my instinctive reaction around people is extreme anxiety. I've learnt that in AS, the amygdala (part of the brain) is affected when around people, which in turn provokes a 'fight or flight' response. My normal response is flight because I'm too scared to fight! Unless I'm forced to talk to someone who I'm never going to see again and don't care what they think about me, then I'll give a little verbal fight.... only to get accused of being 'hostile'! Can't win!
It seems I 'read between the lines' as such, but frequently my assumptions are wayyyyyy off and people seem to misjudge my words and body language too in the same way. It's like I speak English... just in a different way ^.^ 


I guess I need to learn to take more risks and trust more, be more firmly grounded in who God says I am to become resilient to hurt and rejection, whilst keeping pride in check. 
Had a good day today, even with a meeting with my social worker this a.m. ... still feeling extremely anxious in most situations, but I just feel peaceful deep down; I know I'm in God's hands and everything is going to be alright in the end. That he does have good plans for me in this life too, even through the difficulties I will continue to face. I think it was in my devotional book by Joyce Meyer, a quote 

'nothing you've been through will be wasted with God; 

he can use it all' 

Off to play on illustrator before bed,

Night all

X

Electricity, stress, and a woman who can't use a calculator

So 2 days ago I received 3 voice-text things from SSE (my electricity provider), telling me to contact them immediately, so Mum called them up for me, and it was what I thought (to start with) I'd not paid half of my last bill.. (so many long stays in hospital and no money, I was just paying what I could when I could and kinda forgot about it... the bill I got was half my monthly income..hence couldn't pay it all at once!)
Anyway, Mum was trying to sort out payment options etc, and they won't do frequent Direct Debits type things, unless there is a reason why I can't have a pay-as-you-go meter... (they're a nightmare... especially up here, if I ran out of electric, it's about 6 miles to the nearest place I can top-up) so... it is a privately rented property, so I'd have to ask the landlord... (and get him to say no, which I'm sure he will.. who's going to want a payg meter when I move out?). 
Then she said to go and read the meter, as there is another bill due now (ugh) and the latest reading would make it more accurate... I'd used about 350 day units, and 2000 night units... which she seemed shocked by (didn't believe we'd read the meter right... they're not THAT complicated!) She did some calculations and insisted we were wrong, as 2000 night units would be about a £1300 bill...
That was a couple of days ago, so been intensely stressed about that (on top of everything else) since, thinking either 
a) the wiring's faulty and possibly dangerous, (meaning potential legal battle with landlord), 
b) a neighbour is tapping into my service, (meaning a potential legal prosecution against a neighbour), or
c) these heaters are actually an electric black hole, 
All of which would mean I would have to move. 
So my head has been somewhat spinning at the speed of flipping light, thought tonight I would see how much electricity other people's night storage heaters used - turns out about 1/2 - 3/4 of what mine use in kWh terms. And their bills weren't excessive. So I looked up my SSE tariff, and did the calculations myself, my bill comes to around £207, (I can't remember exactly how many day units); only about a tenner more than last quarter. It's still bloody expensive, but supposable. I think she did 2000 x 6.64p and divided my 10 instead of 100 to get price in pounds, meaning what actually is about a £130 she said was a £1300 bill. >.<
I'll double check the meter readings against the tariff in the morning, and get some help getting in contact with my letting agent to ask the landlord about this payg meter thing, but it means I don't have to worry about moving... I like my flat... it could do with some modernising, and it's a bit noisier now there's someone living above me, but it's enough for me. 
So my head can hopefully reduce it's spinning back to it's usual (although still mostly intolerably high) rate, and I can get back to thinking about things I need to think about. 
Think I can get my bill reduced for their staff causing damaging stress through being useless at maths? :P if only!

Night all

X
p.s. sorry about the lack of sentences, it tends to happen when I think and write very fast!

Aspergers (again), my day, and hope

“The fact that girls with undiagnosed autism are painstakingly copying some behaviour is not picked up and therefore any social and communication problems they may be having are also overlooked. This sort of mimicking and repressing their autistic behaviour is exhausting, perhaps resulting in the high statistics of women with mental health problems.” (Dale Yaull-Smith, 2008).

- That is me - in a 'nutshell'. 

For those people who are interested in learning more about women with Aspergers, the National Autistic Society website has a brief page on it, http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/gender-and-autism/women-and-girls-on-the-autism-spectrum.aspx or I would thoroughly recommend the book Aspergirls by Rudy Simone for anyone wanting to gain a real insight (I would recommend it especially to friends and family who care about me - it's like (with a pinch of salt) reading a 'manual for Emma' - It would help me a great deal too!). 

On another note, today has been good - a lot of anxiety, but things turned out ok about that, then I had a reallllly bad right-sided head/face/neck/eye/ear 'ache' (not sure what to label it as... more like throbbing intense pain... not sure ache really describes it!. Feeling a bit better for a lie down, hot wheat lumps, and some pain medication, but still sore. Hope it doesn't go on as long as last time... it took a good week or so to go away, and it confined me to bed for most of that week.

Anyway... the good bit... church! :) I got prayed for and I feel so.. hopeful, and finding my faith reignited the way it used to be; looking back at my old journals and stuff I found this:

'He gives strength to those who are tired

 and more power to those who are weak.

Even children become tired and need to rest,

 and young people trip and fall.

But the people who trust the LORD will become strong again.

They will rise up as an eagle in the sky;

they will run and not need rest;

they will walk and not become tired.'

- Isaiah 40:29-31

I WILL become strong again... it doesn't say might, it doesn't say becoming strong won't take work, but with trust in the Lord, it IS possible. So that is my hope. Off to sleep now, with my cat at my feet and a freer, happier spirit.

Night all

X

Waffle about my day - CPA, Aspergers, and a good old moan about NHS failings

This may be rambling and disorganised, but so is my head.
This whole Asperger's thing... forgive the cliché, but it's totally like I've been blundering around my whole life in complete darkness, and suddenly, the light has been switched on. (This is all in relation to me and my life; my neurological failings will always be there.) 
It's almost like a grief process but different, first awareness, then info gathering, then lightbulb and reprocessing, then relief, anger and (hopefully) acceptance. At the moment I'm a mixture of brain being overloaded from reprocessing and making sense of my life, and think tonight I made a shift from mainly relief, to mainly anger; and sadness. This was not a harmless mis-diagnosis, this was not a little failing of services; they're telling me there's a 'gap' in services for people with high functioning AS. I don't know about a 'gap' more like a bloody huge big gaping chasm!!! 
Had my CPA today - like an (at least) annual review kinda thing (that I've escaped for 22 months) - anyway, my psychiatrist was like, so you've probably got Asperger's... so what? The treatment option are the same... i.e. there is no specialist box they can tick to put me in, no specialist treatment centre they can put me in to 'fix' me, so it doesn't matter that I don't have an official diagnosis from an expert. When she said so what, and it doesn't make any difference; I was simply at a loss of what to do. I wanted to break down and scream at the top of my lungs words to the effect that it changes EVERYTHING!!!!!! By this point in time I'd already suffered 30 mins of sitting in there with people asking me stupid irrelevant questions (again) so I walked out, got a glass of cold water and stood by Mum's car. She (psychiatrist) is either too stupid to understand, or too arrogant to admit she might've made a mistake, and listen to me; and try and learn about AS (short for Asperger's - gunna use that from now on) in high functioning females like myself. Or she's just lazy, and can't be bothered to read a book or two to help her help me. I don't know, but I don't see any other option. She will refer me for an assessment; not at the specialist place, but at the local place that concentrates on diagnosing 'classic' adult men. And to even get an assessment; because she does not consider it urgent; is going to take .............. 18 months. 18 MONTHS?!!! Quite frankly at this point I'd rather not wait 18 minutes!! 18 days may be tolerable, 18 weeks, definitely not, but 18 MONTHS?!!!! See the bloody huge gaping chasm I was talking about earlier? The mental health services are lucky the physical ones aren't as hideously misguided; or else I would've died. Then they would be in... let's not go there, I can't think of anything to put that doesn't involve a high density of swearing and insult to all mh workers, some of which do do their job. 
So I'm rather down in the 'if only's' tonight, if only someone had turned on this light when I was younger, even if it was not until my life unraveled at 16; if only someone had had the insight I now do to female AS (which is not a great deal; getting a book tomorrow, and another one when I've finished reading that one). Not only could I have been saved from the physical pain and scars and deep trauma I've experienced for the past 5 years, from my own crappy coping mechanisms, and emotional shit the NHS have put me though (particularly a certain unit in Kent who specifically did a lot of damage) ; the NHS could have saved literally ... it's gotta be over a million quid by now. i.e. it would've been cheaper to employ a full time AS specialist than to pay for all the treatment I've received (physical and psychological) which I feel could've been prevented by being diagnosed earlier. 
Anyway, my social worker has agreed to read the book that I'm going to. She admits she's not a specialist, and I think she can see me in so much of the stuff I showed her from online research, she's willing to help me. I'm telling her what will help, and she's willing to do it, even though it's a bit unusual. Anyway what harm can reading a book related to your field of work do? (She says I remind her of her daughter; maybe she has AS too!) but anyway, please GOD don't let her be moved in this stupid government shake up.
Trying not to focus on the anger, and move towards acceptance and stuff, hopefully these books will help me do that. But equally, it's not wrong to feel it (so I've been told!) so there it is. I've just got to learn about and work with this to try and build a future for myself. I do take comfort i knowing I'm still loved by God; even if this world doesn't accept me, he does. But living with a logical science-orientated AS brain and being a born again Christian... that's a whole other post. or 10!!


Ok I'm tired now. That's my ramble for today, congrats and thank you if you've managed to follow that!!

Night all 

X