Fairly major update... (longish)

Long story short, I ended up in hospital very very ill 2 Sunday's ago through my own doing. Don't want to go into much detail, all you need to know is it was serious, they said I was lucky, and if I'd been minutes later, I plain wouldn't be here. 
Now the main topic of my post. I'm not quite sure how to say this, and please don't make judgements unless you know the full picture (which no-one on here does). 
It has become vividly apparent that I have Aspergers syndrome. It's not often recognised in what they call 'high functioning' females, but having read in depth about other women's experiences with it, it's like that's me! That's how I always felt, and yeh.. I'm really not sure what to do in x situation, I've just learned to avoid it. Anyway, it's like the whole of my life, from day 0 til now is 'clicking into place'. Understanding where I lack skills, (not that I'm just 'arrogant', 'hostile', 'selfish', 'aloof', 'cold', - just a few of the things I've been called by mh services alone) - I may appear all those things, but it's not how I mean to be, I simply don't have the automatic social, empathetic type skills that most people have. 
I've obviously learned enough to get by, through childhood etc (although found it tormenting and frightening a lot of the time) I've learned social 'scripts', unscripted, I'm like a computer with inadequate programming, I freeze, crash, I need to 'press the esc button' if you like. 
Things like, you come over for coffee, I offer you a drink, because that's what you came for, but I wouldn't normally think to offer you food, or... a warm blanket.. or I dunno... I really don't . know . Cos I'm not hungry, I don't think that you might be, not cos I don't care or don't want to give you food, I have a pathological difficulty that means I don't know what others might be feeling. It's much simpler if you ask for what you want, I really don't mind, I just don't think ... maybe I need to ask is there anything else I can get you... rather than offering a list of every possible thing I can think of that I've got that you might possibly want... like yesterday, I drink fizzy drinks with a straw in the can, but realised maybe Mum might not want it the same way, so offered her ice, lemon, glass, straw, 2 straws... anything I could think of! Ugh... it's complicated.... Like when you go into someone's house, do you have to take your shoes off because they are? Do you ask everybody if they would like you to take your shoes off? Do you just do it? But then where do you put them? 
Moving on. Saw my care co-ordinator today, and was expecting a whole big battle with her to be saying no you've got a personality disorder, it's not Aspergers, you're trying to make up excuses etc etc etc etc etc, I have typed out 2 documents with my research on AS and how I relate to it, and she just said yeh... totally agree with you, you don't have to try and persuade me, I agree with you... I was totally shocked... then she was like, but what now? ... There are no specialist services, there is no 'box' I fit into (makes me realllllllly awkward for health services!) I just said, it changes everything the treatment for AS is NOT the same for BPD, (the prognosis is actually less hopeful in ways) but it's like trying to hammer Gold, when you've actually got stainless steel - it won't work. You need different tools.
So hoping that by educating myself and my team about AS in women/girls, and working together with that, we can help build some sort of life for me again. It's a starting point, it's like one of those magic pictures you can only see from a certain angle, looking at me from this angle; it's scary, I was always the non-autistic sibling! I know it's gunna be hard, but it's a starting point. I'm finally beginning to at least make sense and recognise some of my difficulties, which is a heck of a lot better than going round in circles with talking therapies, being told I'm just 'not trying hard enough' when there is just a fundamental lack of understanding and communication.

Loads more to say, but that's it for tonight, 

thanks for reading 

X

Highly personal brain matters.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, 

neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, 

for the former things have passed away.

 - Revelation 21:4 

Been a very bad few days / year (or 5). After a bad patch I always am very determined to change, I get a (very long term) idea of what I want to do, and set about getting there. And after a few months, I always fall flat on my bloody face. I simply don't possess the skills to get me through adult life. The set up of child/early-mid teen life allowed me to function 'normally'; actually, pretty darn well. When things started to change, life got more complicated, I just imploded. So now I'm still at a place where I don't know how to function without being in ever-increasing levels of physical pain and or danger. The wheel keeps on spinning round and round of escalating danger, normally ending with a seriously life-threatening event, where I decide I need to 'stop this and get on with life' - which.... never works out. I've never much, if any insight into my problems, and maybe it will be a few more years yet (but I dearly hope not) before I understand things enough... 

I NEED to change, or this will kill me. Which most of the time I don't want it to. Kent didn't work cos by the time I was referred and then admitted, I wasn't in such a low point and I didn't see the need to engage in painful, intense-as-hell psychotherapy, since I wasn't doing all toooo badly. Think I know now that I need to do that work. The next question is - how? where? There are a few therapeutic communities across the country, there might be the possibility of working as an outpatient, but there aren't any specialists anywhere near here... so I'm not sure that's really an option... and in my internet searches, I've discovered mercy ministries... it sounds basically like a Christian-based therapeutic community... but I need to know more about it. Plus it's in Yorkshire. >.< 

The verse at the top - reminds me it WILL be ok. One day. Combine it with this verse:

 "I know what I am planning for you,” says the Lord.

 “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. 

I will give you hope and a good future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

Things will all be made right one day - but for now, God has GOOD plans for me here - I know there is stuff he has for me to do. If there wasn't - I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still be here. 

At the moment my thoughts are generally still very screwed up, but I'm trying to fight it with this knowledge - the sword of spirit which is the word... 

Hopefully an option will come up that will help me, that I will have the strength to use fully. Until then... to quote Dory the fish - 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming'. 

xxx

Rambling Rant

So maybe I won't feel differently in a few days. I can't remember when I posted 'feeling rubbish' post but anyway - slightly more articulately this is some reasons why: Since Sept 2006 things have spiralled out of control. Things were starting to fray in 6th form but I was still functioning well until Grandpa died. Then things went... 'pear shaped' as they say. Each and every day since then has been a battle. Sometimes just to stay 'safe' sometimes to eat, sometimes to stay alive. Each moment is filled with unbearable agony and terrifying fear. I've had enough. I just want it to end now. Please. 
My social worker came round Friday night when things came to a point - Mum noticed a large amount of potent medication missing from my meds cupboard (which she shouldn't've been nosing in anyways!) I tried to fob it off, but she knew I had it. She didn't know I had enough of another medication to kill me in its own right, and that both taken together would be almost certainly quickly lethal. I was happy with this way, it should've been not too painful cos I would be asleep for it, and it should definately've worked. I could finally be free. From these chains, from this torture, from this life. I had planned my funeral, left small notes to people who I wanted to say something to etc etc. It was going to be it.
But after a long afternoon crying with Mum (plus a rather irrelevant ramble from my social worker, calling me arrogant and lazy - for not trying hard enough to live... if she had any idea how much courage it takes me just to get out of bed every morning, let alone wash, dry my hair, find something to wear.... I'm exhausted before I've 'done' anything at all. I really wanted to scream at her at that point... guess I kinda did) Anyway... I couldn't do it to Mum... not with her knowing. I wish I'd replaced the bottle with water or something and kept the actual medication... grrr... think Emma, THINK. 
But anyways. It's gone. Dragged myself to church this eve and sat during the worship thinking about different ways I could kill myself without mum knowing what I was doing. Then in the sermon - it was all about waiting. Waiting for miracles. 
The pastor said - "I have a word from God for you - don't give up" - To which I thought crap... I really have to keep going? Really? Ugh. 
My next question is why? and how? I know the Bible says that God has a plan for a good future for me, filled with success, not suffering... so I guess that's the why... but the how? is still very unanswered.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't even know where I am. I guess that's where a huuuuuge amount of persistent, constant faith comes in.
They talked about having 'carers' come in to 'teach independent living skills' I know how to cook/use a washing machine etc etc - I'm not unskilled, I just don't have the motivation to do any of it. I don't want artificial 'care' They only turn up cos if they don't, they don't get paid. Simple as. 
I just need friends - real ones, not virtual ones. (No offence you US guy are lovely, but I need 'real' people who are here. Who I can spend time with, hang out with. I just want real people who actually care about me. rather than some artificial 'carer'. People who want to spend time with me, who are more straight forward than, come over whenever you want - cos most of the time I don't believe them, and I'm too petrified to ask! I just need people to be more outgoing with me I guess, and say; I/we would like to have you over today/this weekend, see you at x o clock? 
Anyways, I did warn in the title that this was a rambling rant - which it is, but my sleeping meds are making me dopey now, so I better go before I start talking absolute crap. 
Night all x

drawing

Think the picture is fairly self explanatory. Except the barbed wire is too small to see properly. Another day wasted in illustrator!

Feeling a bit rubbish

This is not the most cheery post, so if you're feeling rubbish already, you might want to stop reading now. 


I have just had e.n.o.u.g.h. 
I'm always struggling with something, be it severely cutting, burning, swallowing sharp things, weight - I just can't do it anymore.  I feel trapped, there is no way out. I've tried everything. Nothing helps, let alone cures. I wish I could just fade away. I ate tonight - and that is the last time. I can't do it anymore. I just want to fade away.
(ps. please don't panic or anything, I'm sure I'll think differently in a few days, this is just how I am feeling right now) X

Home

So I'm finally home :) 
Wasn't expecting it at all, but my acidosis is improving gradually, and they've done all the blood tests they can think of. (think they just strung them out til the ed team came) Apparently some of my endocrine/adrenal hormones are off, but the tests are going to take a while to come back, so they'll see me in clinic in a month. But more immediately, I have a specialist ed assessment on monday morning at the priory in Bristol (why that far I don't know) they said it was just a diagnosis/plan of action type assessment, not an admission assessment,  but I'm still dreading it - just talking about everything to another person/set of people... and the possibility of another diagnosis.
I need to think about things to do, getting out more, having more of a focus, but right now I need to try and eat and drink enough to get my strength back so I can at least walk around properly. I'm still very very weak, and feeling the effects of the past year. My skin is disgusting, my hair is straw-like, split and SO static. Getting a lot of heart palpitations, I'm retaining fluid - probably from dehydration, and my muscles are useless. Even typing this is challenging. My blood pressure is low, as is my heart rate. So yeh, not feeling too brilliant. I'm so torn - I know I need to eat to stay alive, but I still want to loose more weight. :s 
Anyways, Mum should be over in a sec, night all x